Personal Diary: A moment of truth

It was one of those nights I was on my own and quite emotional, then felt the need to write in my diary again. That old one, paper one, right. So I took it out and I started. It struck me though, I opened it and saw that goals entry from exactly three years ago, listing my goals, big and small, and realised nothing changed. It is still the same things I want, on first place it's always be healthy, fit, inspire people to be better, to be good, to be healthy and successful. Of course there were also my work and money goals that need to be achieved in order to do the rest. The point is, they are still the same and I have been struggling to achieve them to the extent that I want, because I haven't found my own path, my own voice yet. And then while I was writing there it just hit me and I stopped everything, and almost started crying, breathing heavily, because I think I really figured where exactly I want to put my energy. I figured I wanted to go in a new direction for d Golden Hour and it was sustainability and a lifestyle and street style that harms our environment as little as possible, and this is so right, and this is so what I always wanted to do. I thought about what stopped me of doing this by now, because it's not like I haven't had the idea before, but if I can be very honest, it was always my love for fashion and style and the urge to buy fashionable finds that represent that passion at prices that have been affordable for me at the time. And this worked great while I was in high school living in Bulgaria, as there were not so many fast fashion brands around, so in order to look good and be stylish without spending a lot of money you would need to look (and I mean look a lot) for hidden gems at small stores.  But the thing is, I've been having this problem lately, I love this, and I love that, and I buy a beautiful top at H&M for 10 euros, and it bothers me - I love the look of it, but I have all these thoughts in my head, like how many years is this plastic bag going to take to degrade when it ends up somewhere in the landfills, and who and under what working conditions produced this piece, did they have water, food or a break that day? What are all the chemicals it's been treated with that are going to end up on my body and have ended up in our waters during the production process? I ended up thinking Gosh, we need to stop buying so crazy loads and think more carefully about our buying decisions. And if we all change our habits just a little bit there is so much we can achieve to preserve our environment for next generations, but there is just really not enough awareness in society about that. Because it's not comfortable, it's not sexy. Yet.

So what am I planning to do? Do I wanna be a weirdo walking around in fairly produced fashion with my fabric shopping bags and mason jars? Hell yeah. As if I am not considered a weirdo by most of my surroundings already. But see, here is the deal - weird is good. Weird is great and if you ask me, no better thing to do then be weirdly yourself. So, here we go, I definitely think I will need to go through this that I just wrote now at 1 am tomorrow morning, but I think it all makes sense now. I feel like the dots start connecting and I feel like I make sense. Like this is what I wanted to be.